Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
