Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
