Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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