you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
