me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
