I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
