your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
