So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
