Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
