I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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