I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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