i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
