I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
this just has baby written all over it
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
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