He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
