If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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