Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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