broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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