I accidentally had phone sex last night
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
two words: eviction party
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
