someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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