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4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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