i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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