YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
