I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
