If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
