omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
