The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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