my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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