I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
