wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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