I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
