A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
