I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
