you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
