I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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