You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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