My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
