I am puke
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
