32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
