My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
