I wish I could teleport
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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