You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
