They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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