remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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