do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
