the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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