I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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