dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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