Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
