The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
