kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
