I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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